nicky_bitchy

Richard Dawkins on WHYY

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 20:34:34 GMT

By

Nicholas Deroose

I still remember the day when I finished reading the God’ Delusion by Richard Dawkins. It was 2007 on Easter Sunday and I was getting ready to go to church.

I was born and raised Catholic and although I had severed most of my ties with the church since coming out as a gay man. I still could not shake of the duty of attending mass on certain important dates. Having been told for a very long time that if I were to step outside the church all that awaits me would be the eternal damnation of my soul, I timidly put on my Sunday best and started out towards St Paul’s church around the corner.

The streets were quiet and a slight breeze blew through the fall air forcing me to pull my jacket tighter as the morning sun deceptively shone down on the pavement with all of it glare and providing none of its warmth.

The church was just three blocks away and usually I would briskly head towards its steps, partly to avoid the cold, partly to just get it over with. I would enter the church, make my way to the pews and genuflect before taking a seat. After that, a recorded sequence of events plays out in my mind, instructing my body to go through the motions of standing, sitting and praying till it was time to go up to the altar and receive communion before exiting the building.

I still remember a time where I would approach the altar and look up to see the birght morning light streaming in from behind the stain glass above. I used to stand and watch in awe of the multi-colored shadows that would be casted on the floor as I treaded up, hands reached out and head bowed to receive absolution.

But that day was different. That day, I stood just outside the cathedral across the street and watched as people made their way up and behind the large craved wooden doors. As the sun continued its climb behind the church, I felt like I was facing an old lover on the verge of a breakup.

I didn’t really know what to do so I sat down on the curb and continued to watch the last of the crowd making their way in. As the doors closed with a silent shut, I started to think. Should I say something? What should I say? I’m sorry?

It seemed kind of silly to be talking to a building but as I felt a lump developing in my throat and the steady rise of hot tears that threatened to spring forth, I knew the pain was real.

It hurt. And I suppose naturally so. For almost 21 years, I sought the comfort and protection of a community I thought to be my own and now I was to leave them, forever. The deterioration of my relationship with the church began with the acceptance of my sexuality but I still did not cut off all ties with God because maybe I thought there could be some reconciliation.

That all changed after read the God’s Delusion. I realized that I was holding on to these delusions out of fear and insecurity that I might have to stand on my own two feet without the protection of a higher power.

In the quiet of that Easter Sunday morning, I vow not to believe in God again and with that thought, the last threads that connected me with religion were cut and God creased to exists in my life.

Listening to Richard Dawkins’s most recent interview with WHYY, I am amazed at the courage that this man possesses. To stand in the face of a billion people and tell them that there is no God and it is all a lie, he must have some pretty big balls and I respect him for that. I know I wouldn’t be able to do it for fear of offending who know what fanatic.

But I am glad and grateful that he is doing what he does because it has changed the life of one more person, a person that looks back on a not too distant past and has found the confidence to look forward to slowly begin to build a life without fear.

White House announces end to HIV travel ban

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 23:08:14 GMT

By Garance Franke-Ruta
President Obama called the 22-year ban on travel and immigration by HIV-positive individuals a decision "rooted in fear rather than fact" and announced the end of the rule-making process lifting the ban.

The president signed the Ryan White HIV/AIDS Treatment Extension Act of 2009 at the White House Friday and also spoke of the new rules, which have been under development more more than a year. "We are finishing the job," the president said.

The regulations are the final procedural step in ending the ban, and will be published Monday in the Federal Register, to be followed by the standard 60-day waiting period prior to implementation.

A ban on travel and immigration to the U.S. by individuals with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, was first established by the Reagan-era U.S. Public Health Service and then given further support when Sen. Jesse Helms (R-N.C.) added HIV to the travel-exclusion list in a move that was ultimately passed unanimously by the Senate in 1987.

More at http://voices.washingtonpost.com/44/2009/10/30/obama_to_announce_end_to_hiv_t.html?wprss=44

Darker Than Black

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 02:51:37 GMT

Maiden,

black light,

mourning in sadness,

falling into the night alone.

The moonlight that accompanies her radiates of sliver

As the night of atonement quietly passes by.

More Shamless Self Promotion

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:21:32 GMT

Post-gay: The final frontier?

by Nicholas Deroose
Bored or tired of the same old 'scene'? You could just be entering 'post-gay' territory... as Nicholas Deroose, a Singaporean student in the US, has come to feel as a totally out person who "no longer wants to identify with mainstream gay culture."

More at http://www.fridae.com/newsfeatures/2009/10/23/9224.post-gay-the-final-frontier?from=login&success=1

Being Honest

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 04:44:37 GMT

So I went on a date with this guy recently and I had a good time and we have been continuing to get to know each other better over the phone. Last night, I called him up to have a chat when suddenly we got to the question of when was the last time you had sex? And I was honest with him and told him last week. This was still within the period that we were ‘dating’, however you may want you define that.

The conversation got awkward and I immediately felt a change in his tone over the phone. I asked him is something wrong and he told me that me having sex was a big turn off. I said that I was sorry and we hung up shortly after.

I didn’t want to leave it at just that so I texted him again and said: “I am sorry that it was such a turn off to you. I just didn’t feel comfortable lying to you. I hope you understand and if you can’t see pass that, I hope that you can be honest too.”

It is an unspoken rule that if you’re dating someone, you automatically become sexually exclusive. I can’t say that I fully agree with the above statement but it seemed to be what was implied.

I could have lied which would have saved the situation but I didn’t, and it hurt.

It hurt that I was honest and he found that to be a turn off because I do really like him.

His reasoning was that he didn’t see how you could go from having a great time one night to wanting to have sex with someone else.

I had sex that day because my day had been long and stressful and I just wanted some way to relax. Could I have done it in some other way? Maybe, but at that point that was what I wanted to do.

Should I have felt guilt because I was dating someone?

It’s one thing to actually be in a monogamous relationship and then go out and still have sex with other people but it is another to be dating someone and still be expected to be monogamous at that point.

When was this communicated?

What is most confusing is that I try to be as open and honest as I can because I feel that is the best way to get to know another person, by being open and honest but now, I am not so sure.

Perhaps its age again, that once again I allow my naivety to get the best of me. The maybe honest may not be the best policy.

My experience with lying and having sex is that I have lied for so long about having sex that I realized that it is a danger because when we lie, we stop talking about sex and we know how sex is very much a part of our lives and how those parts are connect.

So after all of that, I still have not come up with a clear answer, what should I have done?

It still hurts.

Post Gay: The Final Frontier?

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 04:33:05 GMT

Post Gay: The Final Frontier?

By Nicholas Deroose

It’s Wednesday night and I am sipping/gulping my second glass of red wine * I do it for the antioxidants* at Q bar while flipping through NEXT magazine. Between the pictures of bronzed bodies and interviews with porn stars, I suddenly became very disinterested. Not in a way that this is boring disinterested but in a what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here kind of way.

The friend that I had come out here with was at the bar chatting with some other guy while I sat at the opposite end on a couch. I have school tomorrow but here I am at the bar. It’s not that I did not want to go out. I wanted to come to have a drink. I was stressed out by mid-terms/overseas studies application/upcoming talk discussion/ badminton planning/ arranging school fees/ whatever else there was to deal with and I needed a break. All I wanted a glass of wine and the company of a friend.

As I emptied my glass and looked around my surroundings I began to feel a certain sense of jadedness hardening over myself. The tacky sliver beaded curtain, the thumping music, the low lighting, it all suddenly began to feel foreign. It was at that point that two thoughts flashed across my mind.

Have we allowed our culture to define us or are we defining our culture?

And what does being gay in America mean?

I never really thought about it because part of me naively believes that being gay is universal and that regardless of the culture we come from we are able to indentify with each other through our struggles. And that is not totally untrue because our struggles do carry a universal message of acceptance but however, culture does play a part.

In these pass two years, I have been very fortunately to be able to assimilate into American gay culture so quickly but part of me wants to say it’s because I have no noticeable accent and am adaptable. I believe that things would have been different if English was not my native language. Would I still be able to identify with the gay community here if I did not speak English?

I am bi-racial. My father is Belgium and my mother Chinese but I identify ethnically as Asian. If I did not tell people I am Asian, I could probably pass off as Latino because of my tanned skin and slightly Caucasian features. Flipping through the gay newspaper or magazines, I didn’t identify with any of those people. I kept thinking to myself, where are all the Asian faces? Are there no gay Asian Americans?

The thumping of the music overhead was getting too much; I needed to leave soon before my head would burst. I love dance music but when was the last time you heard slow soothing music in a bar? Is base all we listen too? I believe that our musical taste are much more diversity, so why isn’t it reflected in our culture?

I wanted to come out for a quiet drink to distress and have a conversation. But the loudness of the music makes it hard to do so; maybe I shouldn’t have come to a gay bar. My friend R even commented on my dress code of sweat pants and a tee. I forget that a gay bar is a place you come to get seen and be seen. Not a place you come to be yourself.

Have I become post-gay?

Post-gay: The state in which gay people no longer want to identify with their mainstream gay culture.

Have I reached a point where I no longer see sexuality as a dominant part of my identity? It can’t be that way, because I am still very much involved in the community and am passionate about the issues facing the LGBT community, or am I confusing both? Right now, its 1222 am so it may be the wine talking here.

Do we see people who have just come out doe-eyed and innocent? Still clinging onto the idea of true love? That those who have been out for a longer period of time are conscious of the ‘reality’ that true love does not exist within gay relationships? That we all travel on the same progressive path of break ups and open relationships?

I suppose the real question I have to continue to ask myself is, if I know now that I am gay what does being gay mean and how do I fit in?

The Brotherhood

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 19:04:42 GMT

by Charles Stephens for LifeLube

When I was younger, and more open, and more hopeful, I figured it would all be like a big fraternity, the gay thing. I imagined there would be an intimacy, a tenderness with other men. Bonding. A kind of fraternal love, not so much romantic love, those desires would come later. I thought everything would be intense. Moving. There would be vulnerability I thought, and secrets shared, and pains revealed, and crying, and holding each other, and loving each other so much, not necessarily even romantically or sexually, but loving each other so much that it hurt. And I’ve experienced some of those things, in pieces, not nearly as frequently as I hoped, but at times. As time has gone on, and experiences have been collected and suffered through and celebrated, I’ve found myself less deliberate about creating the kinds of relationships I initially desired.

Masculinity then, in my mind, was something we could have relief from, in being gay. There would be spaces to tend to each other and that we would all co-exist in an expanded and perfected notion of manhood. I have not experienced this much, probably because I stopped looking. Not because I gave up, but because I forget how much I wanted it.

When I was 15 or 16, in those years, in Atlanta, I was always searching, for someone for something, to guide me. I still seek guidance even as I fight it. Being gay, back then, was still an experience. Everything was new. Everything was exciting, and kind of scary, but exciting nonetheless. But you did it anyway. Despite the fear you did it. There had been no pains yet, and no rejections, and feelings of inadequacy, and thus I could move without pause or hesitation.

There is a courage one can still have even in innocence, a fearlessness, that we read later as ignorance or stupidity, we remember ourselves as reckless. However, I don’t know if I have ever been again as courageous as I was at that age. Wiser yes. Courageous, I’m not so sure. And I often look back at that time, even now, especially now, excavating my memory not just for lessons to remember, but the courage to continue.

On one of these adventures, an experience I could never have now, time has shattered my innocence in a way, I came across an older man at the local public library. There were older men, of course there were older men. That was what working-class 16ish year old black gay boys did then. And I was neither coerced nor forced nor taken advantage of. And they weren’t predators, not all of them.

More at http://lifelube.blogspot.com/2009/10/brotherhood.html

Any chance to mention 377A...

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 18:41:00 GMT

In Philadelphia and the surrounding area, home to more than a million people and dozens of colleges and universities, there are countless – sometimes obscure – scholarship funds, grants and loan programs to assist nearly every demographic in paying for higher education.
Such is the case with the Jonathan Lax Scholarship, which has helped fund the educations of 129 gay men since its creation in 1994. Two Temple students, sophomore journalism major Nicholas Deroose and fifth-year graphic design and photography major Douglas Cooper, are among the most recent group of recipients. Both received scholarship awards at a reception Oct. 1.

The Bread and Roses Community Fund, a local donor-funded charitable and activist organization, manages the scholarship, selecting applicants based on academic achievement and activism within the LGBTQ community. After reviewing transcripts, evaluating writing samples and interviewing this year’s 30 applicants, it awarded a total of five $4,000 scholarships to the most qualified individuals.
Deroose has been involved with community activism since arriving from his native Singapore in 2008. Particularly interested in issues facing gays within the Asian population, he is currently organizing a discussion panel on the topic.
The event, titled “Gays, Greeks and Gay Asians,” is scheduled to take place at Tyler School of Art Nov. 5.
Cooper, an Honors Program student and Peabody Hall resident assistant, has attended annual AIDS Walks and anti-Proposition 8 rallies. He credited his selection for the scholarship to his 3.8 GPA.

Both Cooper’s and Deroose’s enthusiasm for furthering tolerance and equality in the LGBTQ community reflect the goals of the John Lax Scholarship Fund, “to obtain additional education, aspire to positions in which they contribute to society, be open about their sexual orientation and act as role models for other gay men with similar potential,” as stated on Bread and Roses’ Web site.
Accordingly, both men intend to use their degrees to promote the rights and acceptance of the LGBTQ community.
But they have their work cut out for them, especially Deroose, who said he plans to return to Singapore.

“The LGBT movement there is still very young and very small,” he said. “There is section 377A of the penal code, which criminalizes consensual homosexual acts. It is still considered a criminal offense to be gay in Singapore.”

Although it is not enforced, the lingering presence of such a law attests to the infancy of the gay rights movement in the region.

More at http://temple-news.com/2009/10/13/two-students-collect-8000-from-lgbtq-scholarship-fund/

How the marriage agenda is leaving behind awesome queer history.

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 01:59:56 GMT

We’re seeing the marriage equality agenda turn its back on a tradition of queer activism that began with Stonewall and other fierce queer revolts and that continued through the AIDS crisis. Equality California keeps on sending us videos of big, happy, gay families, and they’re making us sick: gay parents pushing kids on swings, gay parents making their kids’ lunches, the whole gay family safe inside the walls of their own homes. Wait a second, is it true? It’s as if they’ve found some sort of magical formula: once you have children, your life instantly transforms into a scene of domestic bliss, straight out of a 1950’s movie. The message is clear. Instead of dancing, instead of having casual sex, instead of rioting, all of the “responsible” gays have gone and had children. And now that they’ve had children, they won’t be bothering you at all anymore. There’s an implicit promise that once gays get their rights, they’ll disappear again. Once they can be at home with the kids, there’s no reason for them to be political, after all!

Listening to this promise, we’re a bit stunned. Whoever said domesticity wasn’t political? Wasn’t it just a few years ago that the feminists taught us that the personal is political? That cooking, cleaning, raising children and putting in countless hours of physical, emotional, and intellectual labor should not mean withdrawing from the public sphere or surrendering your political voice? After all, we were raised by queers who created domestic lives that were always politically engaged, who raised kids and raised hell at the same time. What makes Equality California think that an official marriage certificate is going to make us any less loud and queer? Oh wait. We remember. It’s that sneaky thing about late liberal capitalism: its promise of formal rights over real restructuring, of citizenship for those who can participate in the state’s economic plan over economic justice for all. Once you have your formal rights (like a marriage license), you can participate in the market economy and no longer need a political voice. Looking around at the world we live in, we’re unconvinced.

More at http://queerkidssaynomarriage.wordpress.com/

Share your snippet!

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 21:44:30 GMT

http://sinqsa.wordpress.com/2009/10/05/sinqsa-snippets/

Why I Won't Come Out on National Coming Out Day

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 17:57:39 GMT

Note: I wrote this piece last year and am resurrecting it here, with a few additions.

by Yasmin Nair

This is the week of the March on Washington. Or, wait, is it the March Through Washington, a city that will be missing most of its lawmakers and the now Nobel Peace Prize Winner President Obama himself on the day of? I won't waste too much time writing about something that seems designed to be little more than a publicity event for a few celebrity queers except to say that my best hope is that the mostly, I suspect, younger crowd that's going to go will come away with a sense of the greed and manipulation of gay politicos, fat cat organisations, and power brokers. And that their hunger for public engagement will eventually be channeled towards more substantial and radical critiques than simplistic calls for "equality" that don't go beyond the usual Holy Trinity of Hate Crimes Legislation, Marriage, and Don't Ask Don't Tell. And that some might want to ask why a march organised as an LGBT-no-Q-thank-you March makes no significant mention of HIV/AIDS or the persistent violence towards and surveillance of queers and why it seems, instead, bent on wrapping itself in a blanket of normalcy designed to get phobic straight people to tolerate us just a leeeeeeettle bit more.

More at http://networkedblogs.com/p14245256

Bread & Roses honors 2009 Lax scholars

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 17:52:28 GMT

by Jen Colletta5 hrs ago | 12 views | 0 | 0 | |

CRAIG RICHIE (FROM LEFT), DOUGLAS COOPER, NICHOLAS DEROOSE AND CHRISTOPHER HOWLAND. Photo: Scott A. Drake
Local social-justice agency Bread & Roses Community Fund awarded scholarships to five young men for their contributions to the LGBT community.

The fund held a reception Oct. 1 for the five winners of the 2009 Jonathan Lax Scholarship, a grant program created to honor the memory of the late, openly gay entrepreneur who was a pioneering HIV/AIDS activist in Philadelphia. This year’s winners are Craig Richie, Nicholas DeRoose, Douglas Cooper, Robert Kelly and Christopher Howland.

Lax himself created the fund in 1994. This year’s recipients were chosen from a pool of 30 applicants and each received a $4,000 scholarship.

“They’re a really exceptional group. They represent everything Jonathan was hoping to do with this scholarship fund,” said Casey Cook, Bread & Roses executive director. “Jonathan himself cut his teeth as an activist at a time when people with HIV/AIDS weren’t able to get the medications they needed to survive. In managing the scholarship fund and awarding these scholarships every year, we have an opportunity to create leaders who, like Jonathan, will fight for justice and change, which I think is what this year’s recipients will do.”

Richie, 19, said his scholarship was especially appreciated; for financial reasons, he had to take this semester off and wait to start college until the spring. An ’09 graduate of Jenkintown High School, Richie said he may start at either Temple University or Goucher College in Maryland as an undecided major, but is looking to explore theater and education.

Richie served as president of his school’s gay-straight alliance and, through his volunteer work with Equality Forum, helped develop the Eastern Pennsylvania GSA Database, a cohesive collection of regional student LGBT organizations. He also was the first openly gay student-body president of his high school, which he said was a relative non-issue.

“I came out the second half of my junior year and my school was so small — I had a graduating class of 48 — that I was enough of a figure at that time for it to not really matter. When I came out, it didn’t really change much,” he said. “I was the only out gay male in the school, and I think that some of the students were actually excited. I don’t know if there was anyone who was homophobic, but I’d surrounded myself with enough people who were so positive that anyone else would have been in the minority.”

DeRoose, 24, moved to Philadelphia from Singapore in 2008 and is set to graduate from Temple University in 2011 with a bachelor’s degree in journalism.

DeRoose said he was involved in LGBT activism in his home country and eventually decided to continue that work in Philadelphia.

“When I came over, I was on the fence deciding whether I should be involved in the community or just stay low-key and try to concentrate on my studies,” he said. “But I was looking for a gay Asian group and I saw that there wasn’t one and I was like, How is this possible? This is the U.S. This is Philadelphia. How can’t they have these resources?”

Following that realization, DeRoose founded Queer Philadelphia Asians, a networking and activist group, and also started volunteering at ASIAC and the Delaware Valley Legacy Fund.

DeRoose said he was looking for financial-aid opportunities but found few because most scholarships require the applicant to be a U.S. citizen. Luckily for DeRoose, who has two siblings in college and has to pay $10,000 a semester in international student fees, the Lax Scholarship doesn’t mandate citizenship.

“Any help is better than no help, and I’m very, very grateful for this,” DeRoose said of the grant. “And it’s sort of an affirmation of the work that I’ve been doing in terms of community organizing. That’s very reaffirming.”

Cooper, 22, is also studying at Temple University, and will graduate next spring with a degree in graphic design and photography.

The Morrisville native has plans to eventually spearhead the art direction at an ad agency or print publication but, for his short-term post-college plans, aims to become a junior designer, fusing his love of photography with his graphic-design skills.

Although he’s limiting his extracurricular activities to concentrate on his studies this year, Cooper has been involved with the Philadelphia Gay Men’s Choir, the Temple University a cappella choir and Temple’s concert choir.

He’s also volunteered with Equality Forum and was an active participant in Prop. 8 demonstrations last year. Cooper said the Lax Scholarship will further motivate him to remain an active contributor to the local LGBT community.

“I want to always be involved in the LGBT community and be an activist,” he said. “I think it’s really important because we still have a lot of work to do. Even if we were to get marriage here, there’s still going to be further work to do for full equality, so there’s still a need for active involvement in the LGBT community.”

Kelly, 29, is a native of Long Island, N.Y., and graduated from St. Joseph’s University in 2002 with an undergraduate degree in mathematics before earning his master’s degree in elementary education the following year from the University of Pennsylvania. Kelly taught math at a Philadelphia charter school and in suburban middle schools for several years, but last year made the leap from education to medicine and entered Drexel University College of Medicine.

“I loved working with kids, but as a math teacher it was kind of hard for me to get my creative side out,” Kelly said. “I had a great rapport with my students and with the schools, but I knew that I probably couldn’t retire doing just that.”

Kelly, the president of Drexel’s chapter of LGBT People in Medicine and an active member of the Philadelphia Gay Men’s Chorus, is set to graduate in 2012 and said he may focus his studies on pediatrics or adolescent medicine. Kelly had to miss last week’s scholarship reception because he was attending the annual conference of the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association.

Last year, Kelly conducted his primary-care practicum at the Mazzoni Center, working with Dr. Rob Winn, which he called an “eye-opening experience.”

“I obviously know some of the specific things that gay men encounter, but I learned so much about the diversity of issues that the LGBT community faces — all the manifold lesbian health issues and working with trans patients was also something that was new to me,” Kelly said. “That’s a whole distinct area of healthcare that I think very few people know anything about and it’s not taught much, if at all, in curriculums.”

Howland, 29, will graduate from the University of Pennsylvania Law School in the spring, after having completed undergraduate and graduate degrees from Hendrix College in Arkansas and the University of Arkansas, respectively. Although his master’s degree is in English, Howland said he decided to pursue a more practical path that’s “connected with the real world outside of the ivory tower.”

Last year, Howland served as the co-chair of Penn’s LGBT organization Lambda Law, and under his direction the organization staged a panel on same-sex marriage with some of the nation’s leading experts on the subject, and hosted a discussion on the pending nondiscrimination legislation in Pennsylvania with local LGBT and civil-rights leaders.

Howland participated in a summer program at Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom, LLP, in Delaware, and said his experience at the firm exemplified the overall positive environment he’s encountered in the field of law.

“They were very welcoming and wanted everyone to succeed at practicing law. Having your family on board is a big part of that success because they also want you to do well and prosper, and at the firm they were very, very welcoming of my partner. I think he was almost more popular with them than I was,” Howland joked.

He noted that the Lax Scholarship allows students like himself and the other four recipients to pursue their educational goals and use their successes as examples for future members of the LGBT community.

“I think it’s a really important thing to be a good LGBT role model. That’s something that there aren’t too many of, and so people who are visible or activists within the community are very important. I thought I should try to be as visible as I could, and this scholarship allows me to do that.”

A Moral Battle

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 19:26:04 GMT

I am trying to present morality without God and it is frightening because if believed, it puts us in complete control of our lives. This is our greatest fear, that we are not inadequate but powerful beyond measure. We know that we are capable of both creation and destruction, of giving life and ending it as well. How are we control ourselves? Who will tell us what is right or wrong?

If we are to tell ourselves that God is a lie, what happens after that? We have lied to ourselves for so long, hiding in its protection that now emancipated from the slavery of deception; we start out anew and are born again. It is during this time that we search wide-eyed once again on how to live our lives.

Confusion brings doubt, doubt invites darkness. To abandon someone that has been a part of our lives for so long is a very painful thing because of the history that they have shared together. Removing God from your life may sometimes be akin to removing a part of your body because you have made him such an integral part of your life. You have placed hope in him, trusted his teachings and whispered your deepest secrets into his ear. Like an old lover that is now gone, dealing with that discarded shared history can be difficult.

So what are we to do? Without God, will we be able to still receive the three things, faith, hope and love that are central to his teachings?

And so, we begin to learn to love ourselves again. To love the person in the mirror and the person inside. That you are worthy of love and it is possible. To rediscover faith with each step and to place hope in our own morality. That we can be good, and this time we would not needed to be told.

What I really lack is to be clear in my mind what I am to do, not what I am to know, except in so far as a certain knowledge must precede every action. The thing is to understand myself, to see what God really wishes me to do: the thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die. ... I certainly do not deny that I still recognize an imperative of knowledge and that through it one can work upon men, but it must be taken up into my life, and that is what I now recognize as the most important thing.

—Søren Kierkegaard, Letter to Peter Wilhelm Lund dated August 31, 1835

Note to Singapore

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 04:31:02 GMT

In a country where the doctrine of the sovereignty of the people obviously holds sway, censorship is not simply a danger; even more than that, it is an enormous absurdity.

Whenever each citizen is granted the right to govern society, recognition has to be given to his capacity to choose between the different viewpoints which trouble his fellow citizens and to appreciate the different facts which may guide his judgment.

The sovereignty of the people and the freedom of the press are, therefore, two entirely related concepts, whereas censorship and universal suffrage are in contradiction and cannot long coexist in the political institutions of the same nation.

Alexis De Tocqueville, Democracy in America

Do homosexual couples in Malaysia live in fear?

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 23:37:55 GMT

Do homosexual couples in Malaysia live in fear? We talk to Pang Khee Teik and Jerome Kugan, co-organisers of Seksualiti Merdeka 2009: Our bodies, our rights.

If you ask me who I’m really afraid of, I am most afraid of gay men,” says Pang Khee Teik. It’s a startling confession coming from the 36-year-old arts programme director of the Annexe Gallery, who had just days before organised the second annual Seksualiti Merdeka, an event aimed at affirming sexuality rights that first started in 2008.

Pang is not afraid of all gay men, however; just those who have given up exercising their rights to express their sexuality, and urging others to do the same.

“Some gay men feel that by being visible and out there, we are being crass. Others believe that being gay is a test of God and those who give in to their desires have failed. Some gay men said life is unfair anyway, so we should just put up and shut up.”

More than his fear of police harassment or a clampdown by religious authorities, Pang’s fear of having to “put up and shut up” is what drove this year’s Seksualiti Merdeka, which was held from Aug 12 to 16.

More at http://www.theedgemalaysia.com/lifestyle/149067-taking-stock.html

Imagine if he had a better mic..

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 18:52:28 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB1kXDVRHaY&feature=related

218 newly diagnosed HIV-positive cases from January to June 2009

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 13:04:39 GMT

http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/singaporelocalnews/view/1003684/1/.html

By Lynda Hong, Channel NewsAsia | Posted: 08 September 2009

SINGAPORE: The Ministry of Health said 218 people were diagnosed HIV positive in the first six months of this year.

The number is up from 154 cases in the same period last year but slightly less than half of the 456 HIV cases for the whole of 2008.

Clinics which started offering anonymous HIV testing last November said they have seen up to three times more patients coming for testing.

One practice in Jurong West is one of seven clinics across Singapore conducting anonymous HIV tests. Some 200 to 300 people have been tested here since last November and six results have come back HIV-positive.

Dr Raymond Soh uses a rapid test which gives a result within 20 minutes.

Dr Soh, general practitioner, Dr Soh Family Clinic, said: "Before the testing, I usually do a pre-test counselling. I will advise them on the implication of a positive test, tell them about the consequences.

"If they are not ready to accept a positive test, I will postpone the test. So most of them, when they are tested positive, they are usually calm."

Those who want to get tested at any of the seven anonymous clinics do not need to provide their names or IC numbers. But the clinics must provide the number of cases that have been tested HIV positive to the Health Ministry. This data will then be used to study the spread of the disease.

The largest provider of anonymous HIV testing is Action For Aids. The non-profit organisation conducted 7,593 tests last year, of which 136 were positive. It has not given any numbers on HIV-positive cases from its clinic this year.

Lionel Lee, executive director, Action for Aids, said: "Post test counselling is a very important procedure that all anonymous test sites should follow closely, especially if one is HIV positive.

"We direct them to our support group "Project Hope", where these individuals are given the right information and a buddying system to help them allay their fears as well as being given the right information on medication and treatment."

The organisation encourages patients to seek treatment in Singapore rather than overseas. But the upfront costs can be substantial.

So, starting from September, patients diagnosed with HIV at the Action For Aids clinic at Kelantan Lane will receive S$200 to help them pay for the treatment. - CNA/vm

Queer & Asian

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 02:31:58 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3Z6SZq1CME

Tried and Tested

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 20:29:49 GMT

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Freedom Without Equality Is Just a Medal

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 02:10:01 GMT

Freedom Without Equality Is Just a Medal Charles Karel Bouley Talk Show Host, Entertainer, Author, Reporter, Comic Today, August 12, 2009, the first openly gay man to be elected in the state of California, Harvey Milk, will be given the Medal of Freedom Award by President Barack Obama. It's a well deserved award, one too many years in the making. But like everything else done for or to the gay community that is seen as positive, it's a two-edged sword because honoring someone for their activism and impact on a state or nation while their cause is still unfinished, their people still unequal, is interesting indeed. The Medal of Freedom is the highest honor paid to a civilian, along with its brother, the Congressional Gold Medal (voted on by Congress). The award is for individuals who have made "an especially meritorious contribution to the security or national interests of the United States, world peace, cultural or other significant public or private endeavors." President Harry S. Truman planted the seed for the award in 1945 with the Medal of Freedom to honor civilian service during World War II. President Kennedy signed Executive Order 11085 establishing a new award with a new medal but keeping the name while expanding the award's purpose and boosting its prestige level nationally and internationally. Honorees do not have to be American citizens but must simply merit the award in the view of the President, advisors and the Distinguished Civilian Service Awards Board (established in 1957 by President Eisenhower and expanded by President Kennedy). Now Milk, who would be 79 this year had he not been shot by Dan White 31 years ago in 1978, certainly meets the criteria for the award. His life, his politics, his movement and yes, his death, changed California politics and the tone of politics in the nation. He was a symbol of possibility and yes, a huge symbol for the rights of gays and lesbians throughout the country. His death hurt, the trial hurt, it all hurt, and galvanized a movement even more. He took on Bryant and Briggs and won and did it with flair and even sarcasm, with the trademark "My name is Harvey Milk, and I'm here to recruit you!" a jab at the assertion that gay teachers were in schools to recruit young people to be gay. The spirit of Milk was alive not only in the cineplexes, thanks to Sean Penn, but also in the streets and halls of government in California, as the ugly Proposition 8 battle waged. Well funded religious interests successfully attacked the California State Constitution by removing the equal protection clause for gays and lesbians, somehow saying that equal doesn't equal equal, that all members of the state are not, in fact, equal and protected by the 14th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. It creates a legal contract with legal benefits that only certain members of the state can enter based solely on gender and rooted squarely in religion. Milk would be exploding right about now. As the marriage debate raged nationally in 2006 after Gavin Newsom granted marriage licenses in his city, as 11 states that year then voted to outlaw same sex marriage and some states even went so far as to ban domestic partnerships or gay adoptions, as George W. Bush spoke nationally about a amending the U.S. Constitution, the very document that protects freedoms, by putting in a provision banning same sex marriage, Milk would have been rallying people and holding every Democrat to task. As a highly decorated soldier that appeared on the Rachel Maddow show on MSNBC and simply answered "yes" to the question "are you gay" is kicked out of the military, as same sex spouses are denied benefits for wounded or killed loved ones, as needed translators and personnel are removed during a time of war for no other reason than sexual orientation, Milk would again be taking every Democrat, every American to task. As Bill Clinton signed the Defense of Marriage Act, as Bush and Obama have both defended it, Obama's administration going so far as comparing same sex marriage to bestiality and every other fringe coupling known to man, or animal, in its defense of DOMA in 2009, Milk would rally against it, denouncing any Democrat that supported it, including Barack Obama. So it's with great wonder that I ponder what Milk would have done if he were alive August 12, 2009, to go and collect his medal. Would he take solace that on the medal there are 13 stars to represent the original 13 colonies, and six of those colonies now have same sex marriage or recognize those done in other states or would he be angry at the 44, including his own, that do not allow or have voted against marriage equality? Harvey Milk served as a diving officer on a submarine in the Navy during the Korean War and went on to be a diving instructor at the Naval Station in San Diego reaching rank of lieutenant, Junior Grade. Would he look the Commander in Chief in the eye as he received his civilian award, would he look to the leader of the greatest fighting force in the world, and be honored or outraged at the ridiculousness of being honored for your activism to advance the civil rights of people whom, with one signature, the presenter of the award could rectify so much of the institutionalized inequality that exists? Would he grab the medal and say how much he likes jewelry, that he may need matching earrings and then begin to speak to the fact that pandering to a community is fine, recognizing those in it admirable, but doing so while approving through your inaction the oppression of that very community is simply unacceptable? The fact is, at this point in American's history, I'm not sure Milk would even accept. I truly am not. I posed that question to actor Alan Cumming during an interview for an upcoming story in the Long Beach and Orange County Blade. He is openly gay, comes from a Scottish and European background, but became an American citizen so he could vote for Barack Obama. He missed that by three days, but still is a proud American now, a gay American at that. "I don't know that he'd be too happy about it really," he stated. "If the Obama administration had given the community some kind of clue or agenda of some kind. If they had said, 'Look, we really have to do healthcare and the economy right now, but in 2010 the agenda is going to include repealing DOMA, getting rid of Don't Ask Don't Tell and working on marriage equality for all,' then maybe. But their actions in some ways have been negative towards the community, including their brief in defense of DOMA. They didn't have to do that. So with no real vision as to what they plan to do for the community specifically and when, and some of the recent activity, I'm just not sure where he'd be on this." Where he'd be is a second class citizen receiving the highest civilian award his country has to give. The schizophrenia of that situation would not escape him. It'd be like a slave receiving a service award and then being put back in the slave quarters. No? Too harsh? Really? This weekend my best friend Daniel Amspaugh's sister got "married." But she didn't really, because she couldn't. She, and her tax-paying partner live in Long Beach, CA. And 51% of this state thinks civil rights can be approved by the masses, granted and denied based on religious belief. That's not societal slavery? Be a part, pay your taxes, but don't live with us as equals? Do as we say not as we do? How would Milk feel about the prosecution of crimes committed against gays and lesbians in this country, when so many juries still return lesser sentences for killing or beating a gay person versus another. Gay panic defenses are used, the person freaked out when they found out the other was gay and went in to a panic or rage and couldn't control themselves. Hell, even movie stars like Tom Cruise are able to prove damages to the tune of millions of dollars against tabloids that allege he's gay. Somehow, being classified as gay can cost one millions of dollars in hurt and damages to this very day, like being called a pedophile or something. When Milk himself was killed Dan White was basically slapped on the wrist (think Twinkie defense, he was amped out on too many Twinkies...) serving two of five years for gunning down two people in cold blood and things haven't gotten much better than that today. When transgendered Gwen Araujo was beaten and killed her killers got anywhere from six years to 15 years for slamming her head through a wall, beating her to death in a garage and then burying her in the hills all at 17 years old. Her crime? She was a man living as a woman. The first jury deadlocked and there had to be a retrial, after all, when the football players found out that they had been having some kind of sexual activity with a boy, well, how could they not be expected to freak. As Madoff sits for 150 years in jail for a financial crime, shows where our priorities lay. And in California where it will be years before marriage equality is obtained, where its Supreme Court wussed out and did the wrong thing, where religion sways the ballot box through financial might...well, I wonder if he might up and move to Iowa, where at least he could marry whatever partner he was with at the time. Harvey Milk, and Billy Jean King, deserve to be openly gay champions receiving the Medal of Freedom award from the President of the United States. But more importantly, they are Americans that deserve or deserved equal rights and protection under the law from the government over which that president presides and from the civilian population of which they are a part. Anyone that saw Milk speak knew one thing: no matter what, he wanted gays and lesbians to have hope. He wanted them to remain hopeful that things can, would and will change if we care enough to change them. He wanted everyone on the bus, championing causes like affordable child care facilities, free public transportation, a board of civilians to oversee police, neighborhood issues, family issues. He wanted his hope to be infectious, and maintained humor by pranking public officials like Diane Feinstein and the mayor and being often outrageous on television or in person in some way. He dated younger men and never had a relationship longer than six years of any real substance (according to all accounts) yet formed a strong family of friends and coworkers that remain loyal to this day and while he may or may not marry himself, would advocate for everyone's right to do so. He'd use his acceptance speech to inspire, to instill his trademark hope, and to put more than few politicians on notice that he, or his wards, were coming for their jobs. "Like every other group, we must be judged by our leaders and by those who are themselves gay, those who are visible. For invisible, we remain in limbo -- a myth, a person with no parents, no brothers, no sisters, no friends who are straight, no important positions in employment. A tenth of our nation is supposedly composed of stereotypes and would-be seducers of children. But today, the black community is not judged by its friends, but by its black legislators and leaders. And we must give people the chance to judge us by our leaders and legislators. A gay person in office can set a tone, can command respect not only from the larger community, but from the young people in our own community who need both examples and hope." Let's hope Barack does more than award Milk: Let's hope he takes the spirit and lessons Milk taught and actually begins changing things for members of his country still oppressed by institutionalized bigotry and religious dogma.

Fucking Like a Bunny

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 09:19:57 GMT

By Nicholas Deroose

These days it seems like most of my friends are on some sort of secret sedative that has been passed around without my knowledge. Gone are the days where we used to party two days in a row till four in the morning. These days they would rather stay at home with a movie and a glass of wine or the syndrome commonly referred to as ‘married’.

When the gays pair up the have the tendency to disappear off the scene shunning interaction because their “priorities have shifted”.

“You know, when you’re attached, you don’t feel like partying anymore because it just does not hold any meaning. You even don’t think about sex that often as well.”

“Gasp! You lie!”

“Don’t you know, after 30 your sex drive just drops down this cliff. Gone will be the days when you can do it two or three times a day.”

What a horrifying thought. That six years from now my libido will take a nosedive and I would no longer be able to enjoy sex like I am now.

However, I am beginning to wonder if the downplay on sex translates to some sort of emotional maturity. That the less sex we have the more mature we are?

*In a high Victorian voice* “O dear, are we having sex?” *clutches lace collar*

I have also been a homosexual, emphasis on SEXUAL to the point where my friends accuse me of ADD, Attention Dick Deficient. Basically if it does not have a dick, it’s deficient.

That being said, I can’t help but think that that the shifting of these ‘priorities’ takes a moral high ground on those that are single and ‘promiscuous’. I like the term sexually active, thank you very much. That if we are still fucking around it means that we have still not ‘matured’ as gay men because our emphasis is still on sex and that we have not develop the emotional quotient to want to settled down. Why are we demonizing sex?

If the norm of society is to be coupled, where does that leave those that are happily single? Does that mean that they are somewhat incomplete and unfulfilled?

I am never single. I am always in a relationship. It just not the kind of relationship that you think of, the one where you seek a person to fulfill all your physical and emotional needs.

I believe that our interaction with the people around us ARE relationships. We just don’t see them as actual relationship because I think we don’t give them enough credit. That is why I get very annoyed when couples disappear into their own little world leaving friends stranded without communication.

Let me tell you something honey, lovers come and go but friends stay the course. And we need to start giving our friends more credit because they are a type of relationship too and every type of relationship needs hard work and commitment, even friendships. Don’t take them for granted because they will probably be the ones that will be by your side the longest.

Dedicated to my bestest best friend in the whole world, Ian Lee.

Isaac

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 05:33:21 GMT

If Isaac were a poem what would it say?
It would probably touch on the roundness of his face
And compare it to the moon, smooth, and pale.
A pair of eyes not hidden behind specs
But rather framed, so that each may deserve
Their individual attention
Almond shaped lips, like the nuts that he carries
Blush behind the dark of his goatee

As we step back to admire these lines
We realize that Isaac is neither
These lips
Nor his eyes
Nor his skin
And that beauty does not lie in the immediate
And often exaggerated.

But rather it requires certain patience
In the subtle
Behind the white of his smile
The warmth of his hand
And the twinkle of his eyes
Beneath the layers that form our being
That require unfolding

But if we were to take the time
To discover its intricacies
We would find something
Beautiful beyond description
Then may we see Isaac for what he
Truly is.

Family & Homophobia

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 09:36:26 GMT

By Indulekshmi Rajeswari

Everyone knows about my love for babies and children. If someone hasn’t heard me go *squee* at a cute baby, they don’t really know me.

So when I heard my friends in New York just had a new baby, my ovaries were positively tingling (to borrow a mysogynistic phrase). K & T are the most loving lesbian couple I know (and will probably exist). They have been through a lot of crap from the beginning that has very little to do with their sexuality, but just the general way life tends to throw you smelly dungbombs. So to have gone through all that, and still be together, and happy, and in love, and have a happy family with two beautiful children… there is nothing in the world that gives my cynical hardened heart more hope than that.

There is also nothing in the world which intensifies my desire to have that family life, more than this happy story either. But of course, the problem being that it is probably not possible to have that life here. I don’t intend to hide my family or live a lie, like the local gay parents do, in fear of their children being taken away, just because they are gay.

What kind of twisted people would break up a happy family just because the parents are gay, in order to uphold their own ideals of what a family should look like? If the child is well-cared for, and lives in a happy loving home, there really is no ground for prohibiting gay parenting, in reliance of woolly unproven pop-psychology ideas of a child needing two parents of a different gender, or fears of the child “turning gay”. There is plenty of research which shows that children in gay families grow up just as well-adjusted as those in straight families.

What the conservatives and anti-gay people do not realise is that it is homophobia which destroys families, not homosexuality. When they beat the drums of intolerance, a parent in a home hears the beat and moves to reject his gay child who just came out to him. Family values are upheld by acceptance and love, not rejection and hate. If people think anti-gay vitriol does not have a negative impact, think again. When you say that gay sex is like sticking a straw up your nose, a teenager who is struggling with his sexuality hears it and hates himself even more. Yes, suicide rates are indeed higher in gay teens, and the reason isn’t too hard to find: rejection from peers and society.

So when you preach you have a right to spout anti-gay stuff and that we are restricing your freedom of speech and freedom of religion. Stop, and think, beyond the political ideas. Think about what you are doing to people. Think about what your words mean to a clueless parent, to a conflicted teenager. Think about the families and relationships you tear apart with your vitriol. Think about the effect of palpable hate surrounding you.

Because this isn’t just politics or ideology. These are lives. These are people.

Sigh......

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 16:30:56 GMT

http://tnp.sg/news/story/0,4136,209409,00.html
t

Does the New Paper ever get tired of sensationalizing the LGBT community? Of course not and of course nothing like this EVER happens in the heterosexual community, straight guys NEVER prey on underage girls...

Can you say ang moh accent?

nicholas_deroose@hotmail.com — Sun, 02 Aug 2009 03:55:24 GMT